Is #BlackLove A Scam?
There's been a surge of discussions about the importance of “Black Love,” and it often feels like we, as black people, struggle to come together. When I stumble upon an Instagram page focused on interracial dating, I don’t feel the urge to follow it, just to spread negativity or stir outrage because my views differ. Time and again, when something new emerges within the black community, we face backlash from other races, and unfortunately, we contribute to the division by nitpicking the very things that are supposed to unite us.
The inception of “Black Lives Matter” sparked a wave of confusion, with some insisting it implied that black lives hold greater value. In reality, it was founded to affirm our worth & a declaration that while you matter, so do we. The same sentiment applies to the phrase “Black Love.” It’s about recognition, unity, and the strength that comes from embracing our own.
Love transcends in many shapes, sizes, colors, religions, and more. It is important to understand that an individual's race should not limit their dating choices; people should be free to date whomever they choose, regardless of their race. When we say “Black Love,” we are simply emphasizing our presence in this conversation. It’s a celebration of black people loving one another boldly and authentically. It recognizes the love shared between black individuals, affirming that we too possess the capacity to love and receive love. The way we express that love is uniquely our own. This includes how we show affection, offer support, hold one another accountable, and understand each other. It’s another way we choose to celebrate ourselves and those who choose to connect with us.
In 1993 Ayo Handy-Kendi, a community organizer, introduced the concept of “Black Love.” She was inspired by Spike Lee’s film “Malcolm X,” Ayo dedicated herself to bringing the community together and preserving Black holidays. She established “Black Love Day,” to be celebrated on February 13th, just a day prior to Valentine’s Day, as a means to unite the community. In a notable quote from the New York Times, she expressed: “Black Love Day” gives us that chance to bond and reconnect around who we really are as a people,” she said. “Not only to be proud of our accomplishments, but to be unapologetically black and feel good about that.”
Each day, we see heartfelt displays of love in our communities, through cherished TV shows and movies, on our social media feeds, and within the pages of our favorite books. Yet, time and again, the most celebrated love stories overlook the experiences of black individuals. Back in the day, we did see some representation of black families, but too often, it was heavy with stereotypes or confined us to struggle narratives. Still, it was meaningful to see individuals who looked like us. In today's world, however, the representation of black couples is noticeably limited. While we are offered roles and love stories, they frequently feature black individuals paired with non-black partners, like black women with white men or black men with white women. To ensure that we were included and we’re properly represented, we took it upon ourselves to carve out a space where we always belonged.
Around 2015, we adopted the term and embraced the hashtag #BlackLove; not to show division, but to assert our value. Through this powerful expression, we demonstrated that we deserve desire and deserve outstanding representation. Black men and women were able to highlight their relationships, demonstrating that we can also experience fulfilling and successful love lives. We too come from strong, nurturing backgrounds and stable homes. We too have families with two parent households and positive male role models. We also have dedicated men and women who rise to the occasion. Our community is filled with educated people and thriving families who have built generational wealth.
Black love has always existed, but like many other trends in this new decade, it has gained significant attention. Over the years, individuals from various backgrounds within the black community began to share their experiences, highlighting the journeys they undertake to build and nurture their relationships. This movement instilled hope and inspired many to seek their own version of “black love”.
In 2017, The OWN Network partnered with the media company BlackLove Inc and premiered a special program dedicated to couples that exemplifies the essence of “black love.” This show offered a platform for discussions around the joys, challenges, and realities of love, marriage, and romance within the black community. Titled “Black Love,” the series featured notable couples including Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin, Tia Mowry and Cory Hardrict, and Remy Ma and Papoose. These couples were recognized as some of the most admired married duos of their era.
Social media often places celebrities on a pedestal, portraying them as models for how we should conduct our lives. This must be challenging for them. They can’t always show their genuine feelings and have to maintain an image of perfection, all while worrying about disappointing the many fans who admire them and find joy and inspiration from their relationships.
The three couples I referred to earlier from the show have all decided to separate, which has sparked quite a reaction within the black community. It often feels like each time a successful black couple announces their separation, hope dwindles for many. People quickly start taking sides, sharing their thoughts on what may have led to the breakup, and referencing the few remaining couples we still look up to with optimism. In today's society, many place their trust in specific individuals, and when those individuals fall short, the entire movement is often viewed as a failure. This has sparked discussions about the meaning of "black love," with some questioning its existence and the reasons for its significance in the first place.
It feels as though the concept of "black love" is losing its true essence.
Many black men and women feel deeply hurt by this term, viewing it as yet another way to belittle their choices and experiences with interracial dating. Yet, I believe that choosing a partner who isn’t black does not in any way lessen your worth or your identity as a black individual. This term isn’t meant to cast a shadow over you; rather, it’s to highlight its importance and the richness it offers to those who choose to embrace a black partner.
There has been a notable sense of frustration among some individuals who feel disappointed when a member of the black community achieves success and chooses a non-black partner. The feeling runs deep and often stems from the feeling that we are undervalued by both our own and others. Some are left wondering why non-black individuals seem to reap the benefits that we, as a community, deserve. It can appear as if they see us as less worthy, but become interested if we have something to offer.
While it might come off as entitlement, I can empathize with the emotions behind it. Our dating pool within the black community often feels limited, so when people reveal non-black partners, it understandably sparks strong reactions. Furthermore, If a breakup or controversy unfolds, the narrative often shifts back to the community they chose to distance themselves from, expecting support and loyalty from the very people they left behind.
To keep this conversation surface level, I believe we strive to be inclusive, welcoming everyone to our spaces. However, it can often feel like we are the ones not receiving the same opportunities unless we fit a certain mold. So, when we see two black couples celebrated in the media, it brings excitement and pride. It may seem like we are seeking validation, but it truly feels good to be recognized and cherished, especially since representation in today’s media can often be scarce.
On the flip side, whenever a new couple is featured on blogs , such as The Shaderoom, they quickly become objects of admiration, with fans proclaiming they "better not break up" as if their happiness is our own personal investment. Many couples who may not serve as ideal role models are being presented to us as the new benchmark for relationships. Meanwhile, established couples who were once idealized are now subjected to scrutiny and mockery for the challenges they are facing in their relationships or personal lives.
In this decade of change, it has sparked a wave of new conversations. With more resources for research and diverse life experiences, people are now more attuned to how the current generation behaves. Social media has become a vibrant platform for discussions within our black community. I often see remarks such as, “all black men cheat,” “marriage isn’t everything,” “a ring won’t stop your man from cheating,” and “our grandparents weren’t any better than today's generation.” It seems many are arriving at the viewpoint that the significance of commitment in relationships doesn’t carry the same weight as it once did.
While everyone has the right to their perspectives, it feels like these types of conversations are amplified within our community. We seem to be at odds, even when there’s no real divide.
Of course, marriage isn't the end-all-be-all! Many successful couples opt out of marriage altogether. Their love and commitment can be just as strong, if not stronger, than those who choose to say “I do.” However, the conversation around marriage seems to arise from a growing hesitation about commitment these days. It appears that men are more likely to commit to broken homes instead of building them, while women seem more accepting of being a mother or girlfriend rather than a wife. I personally have no desire to fit into the “traditional marriage” mold that we've always known. And let’s be clear: having a child without a ring is perfectly fine too. However, it seems that when people find themselves in this situation (having kids outside of a committed relationship) they feel compelled to push the idea that this is the “new normal.” While I’m all for not passing judgment, I can’t support the notion of encouraging others to embrace single parenthood as if it’s the best path.
What many seem to be questioning is why there’s such hesitation and concern when it comes to the idea of marriage, especially when having a child, living together, and spending years building a future are all forms of commitment too.
Our grandparents certainly encountered their share of challenges. They endured slavery and segregation, working tirelessly to create something from nothing. Traditional gender roles shaped their experiences: Men were raised to embody strength and serve as providers, while women were conditioned to manage the household and care for their families. Infidelity among men can be attributed to a sense of power, as they often acted without fear of consequences, seeking freedom while simultaneously desiring stability at home. Many women chose to turn a blind eye, prioritizing the security that came from their relationships. Some were scared of their partners, some were truly in love. Many women had invested significant time and effort, while others faced limited resources and sought the validation of being a successful married couple within the black community, or not wanting to risk humiliation.
Acknowledging that cheating has always been a reality, the love and foundation built during those times have profoundly influenced how we express love in our communities today. I absolutely do not endorse or celebrate individuals who choose to stay in unhealthy relationships. But, I do admire those who weathered storms and somehow maintained their love against all odds. I also respect those who chose to part ways and found new love, even if it looks different from what we traditionally anticipate.
There’s a lot of discussions around the idea that black love shouldn’t exist, because of perceptions that black men often don’t respect black women or fail to meet their needs. Some people believe that black men have a reputation for being violent, unfaithful, and bringing little to a relationship, leaving behind heartache and pain. On the flip side, there are arguments claiming that black women lack standards, can be overwhelming to deal with, want to rely on men for support, and struggle to be anything beyond a “strong black woman.” These are just a few of the negative stereotypes I’ve encountered.
It feels like there's a double standard in our community. We want outsiders to recognize our worth while we judge and undermine each other. It’s as if we’re the only group dealing with trauma and issues like mental health struggles, commitment challenges, complex family dynamics, and messy breakups. Yet, other races also face their own struggles in relationships. I’m not trying to excuse the individuals who tarnish our community's reputation. Instead, I want to emphasize that black people are not the only ones dealing with difficulties that affect successful relationships.
Not all black men cheat, just as not all black women fit the negative stereotypes of being 'ghetto,' promiscuous, loud, or angry. It’s unfair that the poor choices of a few have prompt distrust and circulated harmful stereotypes within our community. There are black men who cherish their black women with unwavering loyalty. This highlights the importance of representation. When individuals in a community experience pain, it’s tempting to generalize and lump everyone together.
I came across someone who claimed that “black love” is a scam, as if it’s some kind of trick or something that can be purchased. To me, black love simply refers to the bond shared between two black individuals who choose to love each other. With the help of social media, many cherished traditions and values in our community are being questioned and weakened. Those who are hailed as “role models” often fall short of truly representing the standards we should aspire to be and have in our lives, choices, and relationships.
It is beneficial to draw hope and inspiration from the relationships of other black individuals. However, it is important to avoid putting all our faith in the choices and experiences of others. You have the opportunity to find a partner within the black community with whom you can build a meaningful connection and become your own inspiration. Remember, one person's unsuccessful relationship does not define the community as a whole. Strive to establish your own standards of love and partnership.
Ultimately, we are all intertwined and share common traditions and experiences. “Black Love” signifies much more than just romantic relationships; it includes our partnerships, friendships, family bonds, and the ways we nurture ourselves.
Let's move beyond our differences and the constant need to validate our own viewpoints. Instead, let's embrace one another! Choosing to date within the black community is just as valid as opting for interracial relationships. Let's stop the unnecessary criticism and refrain from diminishing the worth of a black partner. Everyone has the right to decide who they surround themselves with and who they wish to have as a lifelong partner. Ultimately, love those who truly love you.