I started hearing the phrase “date in your league” around 2018, mostly on social media and YouTube. If you were tuned in around that time, you probably remember the late Kevin Samuels. He was known for dishing out what he called “harsh truths” to people he felt were aiming too high. Whether they were overweight, broke, or just not what society considers attractive... his mission was to "humble" them. According to him, they needed to “stay in their lane” because they didn’t bring enough to the table.
As a fellow BBW, I can’t deny that those viral bullets would occasionally fly and hit me right in the gut. I started to accept the idea that I too had a ‘league,’ that I shouldn't stray away from.
EX: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/ZZfXUIoHjY8
What Does It Really Mean to Stay or Date In Your ‘League’?
League: A category or class of quality or excellence.
Inside of the word league you’ll also find:
Class: A group with shared traits or status.
Category: A label based on common characteristics.
Quality: A value or standard in comparison to others.
Excellence: Traits that are seen as exceptional or elite.
Basically, it’s giving “match the shapes” from elementary school, but for adults. Society pushes us to date people who “match” us in looks, lifestyle, income, and social status.
The unspoken rule is:
If you’re labeled unattractive, stay there.
If you’re overweight, date someone just like you.
If you’re wealthy, don’t go below your bracket.
If you're from the hood, don't try to date above it.
If you’re elite, stay elite.
The Problem Isn’t Standards, It’s Judgment!
Let’s be clear, it’s great to have standards. Wanting someone who aligns with your values and goals is completely valid. The issue is when people use this ‘league’ phrase to shame, divide, or place themselves above others.
We see it all the time. A celebrity or influencer posts their partner, and if that person doesn’t “look the part,” the comments get disrespectful real fast.
But let an unattractive person with status pull someone society views as “baddd” and suddenly, it’s all good… because he/she “got money though.”
Dating Before Social Media Felt Different!
Back in the day, dating felt more about love and connection. You didn’t have thousands of strangers weighing in on whether your partner was good enough for you. There wasn’t this constant comparison or public commentary on every couple’s worth.
Yes, people have always judged others. However now; it’s more frequent, more popularized, loud and gets very disrespectful.
I've even had moments where I judged someone else’s relationship. It’s easy to fall into that trap, especially when being petty or opinionated gets celebrated online. But I’ve learned to check myself and ask:
Why does someone else’s confidence make you uncomfortable?
And how does their love life affect yours?
It's about compatibility, not leagues.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner who reflects your lifestyle and mindset. But instead of calling it “dating in your league,” let’s call it what it really is: dating with intention.
- If you’re educated, maybe you want someone who values education too.
- If you’re into health and fitness, you might prefer someone who also prioritizes that lifestyle.
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If you’re financially stable or adventurous, you might look for someone who’s down to build and grow with you.
- If faith, family, or culture is important, you’ll likely want someone who shares that.
These aren't leagues, they're preferences.
Some people claim that when someone dates “up,” they’re more likely to be cheated on or made to feel insecure. And sometimes, those doubts don’t even come from within, they’re fueled by outsiders who love to point out when a couple seems “mismatched.”
Does it happen? Sure. But I also think the people shouting the loudest about ‘leagues’ or worrying about who someone else chooses to date, are often wrestling with their own insecurities.
It stings when you see someone you’ve judged as “less than” living a life you secretly want.
But you know what I love? Seeing couples that society says don’t “match”, thriving, loving out loud, building families, and ignoring the haters.
There was a time when I let people’s opinions mess with my confidence. I blocked out men I assumed would never want someone like me. I told myself they were “too good” or “out of my league.” In the process, I wasted my time and theirs; all because I thought wanting more, meant asking for too much.
Now, the only ‘league’ I’m in is the one where I value myself.
I say, go for the person who feels like a strong match for you. Just make sure you’re doing the work too. You don’t need to have your entire life mapped out, but if they’re solid, you should be bringing something to the table too. It’s about balance.
And if you’re not quite where you want to be? That’s cool. Take the time to grow. Work on what you can, and for what you can’t… own it. Because the real power is self-acceptance. You are already valuable, already worthy.
Love isn’t about leagues! We’ve got to stop letting society and social media tell us what love should look like, or who deserves it. Don’t shrink yourself. Don’t settle. Everything you thought was out of reach is making its way to you. Just be ready for it when it arrives. You are enough. Love yourself and allow love find you.