The idea of people being placed in dating “leagues” has always been around. If you were tuned in during the pandemic, you probably remember Kevin Samuels. He blew up online for giving what he called “harsh truths,” basically telling people they were aiming too high. If you were overweight, broke, or not what society deemed attractive, he made it his mission to “humble” you. According to him, folks needed to “stay in their lane” because they didn’t bring enough to the table.
As a fellow BBW, I can’t lie, those viral bullets would fly and hit me straight in the gut. I started to accept the idea that I too had a “league” I needed to stay inside of.
While I agree with the idea that people should bring something to the table, Kevin often used it less as a teaching moment and more as a way to degrade. I remember one woman who was a college graduate and successful in her own right, yet he kept pressing her about her dress size. Once she told him, he dismissed all of her accomplishments simply because he deemed her as "overweight." In his eyes, that alone made her undeserving.
What Does It Really Mean to Stay or Date In Your “League”?
When people say league, they’re really just talking about a box society puts you in. It’s about how you look, how much you make, where you’re from, or what status you have. Basically, it’s giving “match the shapes” from elementary school, but for adults. The rule goes like this:
- If you’re labeled unattractive, stay there.
- If you’re overweight, date someone just like you.
- If you’re wealthy, don’t go below your bracket.
- If you’re from the hood, don’t try to date above it.
- If you’re elite, stay elite.
The Problem Isn’t Standards, It’s Judgment
Having standards is fine. Wanting someone who aligns with your values and goals is valid. The issue is when “leagues” get used to police who is allowed to date who.
We see it all the time. A desirable person posts their partner, and if that partner does not “look the part,” the comments get nasty. But let an “unattractive” person with money pull someone society calls a “baddie,” and suddenly it makes sense. People say, “Well, he got money though.” Of course, there will still be comments reminding them they are dating above, but it's more acceptable.
Back in the day, dating felt more about love and connection. You didn’t have thousands of strangers online deciding if your partner was good enough. Yes, people always judged, but now it’s constant, louder, and nastier.
I’ll admit, I’ve judged people’s relationships too. It’s easy to fall into that trap when being petty or opinionated is celebrated online. But I had to start checking myself. Why does someone else’s confidence make me uncomfortable? What does their relationship really have to do with me?
Preferences VS Leagues
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner who reflects your lifestyle and mindset. But instead of calling it “dating in your league,” let’s call it what it is: dating with intention.
If you’re educated, maybe you want someone who values education too. If you’re into health and fitness, you might want someone who lives that lifestyle. If you’re financially stable, you’ll probably look for someone who’s building in the same way. If faith, family, or culture is important, you’ll want someone who shares that.
That’s not a league. That’s a preference.
Stereotypic Cons To Dating Outside Of Your "League"
Some people say when you date “up,” you’re more likely to get cheated on or feel insecure. Sometimes those doubts aren’t even from within, they come from outsiders pointing out how “mismatched” a couple looks.
Does that happen? Sure. But most of the people shouting the loudest about leagues are fighting their own insecurities. It stings when you see someone you judged as “less than” living the life you want. That’s why I love seeing so-called “mismatched” couples thriving, loving out loud, building families, and ignoring the hate.
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There was a time when I let people’s opinions kill my confidence. I blocked out men I assumed wouldn’t want someone like me. I told myself they were “too good” or “out of my league.” In the process, I wasted time and missed chances, all because I thought wanting more meant asking for too much.
Now, the only “league” I’m in is the one where I value myself.
Go for the person who feels like a strong match for you, but make sure you’re doing the work too. You don’t need to have your whole life figured out, but if they’re solid, you should be bringing something solid to the table too. That’s balance.
If you’re not where you want to be yet, that’s fine. Grow, improve, and own what you can’t change. The real power is self-acceptance. You’re already valuable, already worthy.
Forget “leagues.” Date with intention, bring what you can, and stop letting strangers on the internet dictate your worth. If someone is showing you love, choosing you, and making it clear that you’re enough, believe them. Don’t block your own happiness worrying about how outsiders might judge your relationship. Love isn’t about approval ratings, it’s about connection.
