Is it holding a grudge? Or Holding someone accountable?
Choosing to distance yourself from someone who has caused you pain, often comes with the notion of “holding a grudge.” There’s a belief that you should forgive those who have wronged you and simply overlook their actions or the hurtful situation. But who decided that forgetting should go hand in hand with forgiveness? If it were up to me, I would reframe it as Forgive & Remember!
Throughout this healing process, I've made it clear that some individuals will no longer have a place in my life. I've also expressed my desire for the people I'm close to now, not to interact with those I've distanced myself from. Or, at least to keep me out of any of those exchanges.
This stance often sparks disagreement. I've been advised to “forgive and forget” and to let go of grudges. While I alway stand my ground, there are moments when I contemplate, “What if God didn’t forgive me?” Yet, that thought quickly dissolves as I reflect on all past experiences and recognize that I’m not on the same level as God, in that regard.
When we’re young, we’re taught to “forgive and forget” once someone has apologized for wronging you. When we become adults, we’re taught to also “forgive and forget” whether the person apologizes or not, because forgiveness is for yourself.
I agree! Somewhat...
It’s not easy to forgive a person that has hurt you. It’s especially hard to forgive someone that hasn't asked to be forgiven. This is why I feel like forgiveness is indeed for yourself. It can take a lot out of a person to stay angry and hold on to resentment. It can also affect how a person treats others, that has nothing to do with any prior situations. So in order to heal, you have to understand why or what that person did to hurt you. Then make the hard decision to forgive them, so that you won’t remain mentally stagnant.
Forgetting nevertheless, is for the other person.
In my opinion, forgetting something has always been associated with an inconvenience. When I’ve forgotten my phone at home and had to turn back to get it, it always resulted in me being late. Even reflecting on childhood, there was a time when I "forgot" to submit my essay. This conveniently made things easier for the teacher; rather than spending time reviewing and grading my work, they could simply give me an F.
So, I feel like forgetting how a person's “inconvenience” hurt me, is only convenient for them. Convenient for them, to be comfortable enough, to possibly try those acts again.
By letting go of anger through forgiveness, I free myself and potentially open the door to rebuilding the relationship, allowing things to return to “normal.”
But, remembering helps navigate similar situations in the future. It clarifies my boundaries and helps me understand what I will or won’t tolerate. I should have gained valuable insights that equip me to address any future similar situations and ensure accountability from both the other person and myself.
When I forgive someone and choose to keep them in my life, it's essential that they show some level of accountability.
I consider myself quite self-aware. If someone points out that I’ve done something wrong, I can typically acknowledge my actions and explain my reasoning. I can also recognize the pain I may have caused others, often without needing it communicated to me.
It seems that some individuals struggle to admit their mistakes because they fear being labeled as "the bad guy," or they genuinely don’t perceive any harm in their actions. This attitude becomes problematic; because if someone doesn’t recognize their wrongdoings, how can any genuine change occur?
Grudges tend to form when a person refuses to take responsibility and remains stuck in their ways, even after being forgiven repeatedly. Especially when the pain they inflict is clear and has been communicated, yet they persist in causing more harm. Eventually, the hurt person may reach a breaking point and feel the urge to retaliate instead of forgiving and moving on.
I’ve been there.
Wanting to see the person suffer as I did, but loving them enough to want the suffering to be minimal. Saying that I forgave, but at the same time hoping that someone gets revenge on my behalf. This is when I had to utilize forgiving them, for myself. I had to take accountability as well, because I gave that person the opportunity to wrong me, more than once. I could have easily removed myself. The only person truly hurting me, was me.
Choosing to repeatedly ignore life's lessons is no longer an option. When someone reveals their true self, especially more than once, it’s wise to take them at their word. There’s a saying:
“Don’t wrong someone and then dictate how they should react or manage the situation.”
Whenever I express my boundaries and share my plans moving forward, I often hear, “You can’t just…”
But yes, I absolutely can!
Right now, I’m all about accountability. It’s not about forcing someone to acknowledge their actions, but rather about me recognizing what I am willing to accept and tolerate.
Some people might opt to forgive while still allowing those who hurt them to remain in their lives, under certain conditions.
Personally, I prefer to cherish the memories and create space for new people to come into my life. Realizing that you have the power to choose what and who you allow into your life is incredibly freeing. It’s your life and your choices. I still pray for blessings and protection over those who have caused me pain. I harbor no resentment but I choose to say,
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