Leave “Well Enough” Alone
Have you ever finished a meal and noticed that somehow, a small amount of dirt or dipping sauce has spilled onto your clothes? It’s hardly noticeable, however you must wipe it off. Without putting any thought into it, you wet a napkin and start scrubbing. After a few wipes, you realize the stain is getting larger and more noticeable. Now in your mind, everyone can surely see that you’re dirty. You're left feeling self cautious and feeling regretful that you wore what you wore and ate what you ate. Or maybe you could have wiped it differently or left the original stain alone and not created a bigger mess.
This is exactly what I feel when I think about reconnecting with someone, I let go.
Every time I try to distance myself from people who have hurt me, I find myself still curious about their lives, still checking their social media, still caring more than I should.
Even though I made the choice to cut ties, I often catch myself wondering, “I wonder how [….] is doing?” Then memories of our time together flood back, leading me to ask myself confusing questions, like: why did I end that relationship in the first place? Could we fix things? Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought? Despite praying for strength to let them go, I now catch myself asking God for help, to mend what was broken.
As usual, before I even pause for a sign, I impulsively decide to reach out.
The initial “welcome back” convo feels good. The issue is discussed, apologies are given and moving on seems possible. However, trying to rekindle a relationship of any kind, after a falling out can be difficult. Especially, if you weren't the issue and you had to be the one that reached out.
Some people are able to understand and acknowledge your feelings. If they want you in their lives, they’ll make changes and consider you more in the future. Others may not care about the relationship as much. Also, they may feel no need to change, because you keep coming back anyways. Then there’s the people that acknowledge their wrongdoings or how they made you feel, but turn around and do it again as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
In my experience, things would often return to how they were or even worsen. Furthermore, I became part of the problem, as I struggled to let go of how I had been treated, which frequently left me feeling upset and triggered. The moment I reached out, I found myself battling with the idea that I was also at fault. How could I voice concerns about someone I continuously choose to re-engage with?
Last week, I found myself missing them, but today, I’m hoping for a way to distance myself again. By the time I could no longer tolerate the situation, I was overwhelmed by everything I had previously felt and then some. I wasted so much time, leaving me feeling even more insignificant and anxious. It wasn't until I realized I didn’t have to accept just anything or anyone that things started to shift. Once I understood that I couldn’t fix every situation or change others, moving on became much simpler.
You can't force anyone to change and you shouldn't set aside your needs because you want a person in your life. The only person you can control is yourself, so focus more on holding yourself accountable. It’s a great feeling to see potential in a person or what a situation can blossom into. But, it is not your job to put the work in for the both of you. You can only do your part and set expectations. It is up to the other person to acknowledge, change and want the same. The person has to actually see a need for change and make strides to do that themselves.
Separating yourself can be hard.
The need to reachout, the loneliness, the feeling of unfulfillment or the feeling of things being left “unsaid”. In those times of feeling like pressing send on that text; remember how you felt, after all the other times you reached out.
How did that turn out for you? Why haven't they been in touch? What do you think will happen from this new interaction? What are your expectations? Is it really worth pursuing?
If you still choose to reach out, be prepared for both positive and negative responses. You can't predict where that person is in their life right now.
Things might not turn out the way you hoped, but I've come to believe that God provides us with what and who we truly need, even if it’s not in the form we envisioned. Focus on building new relationships with people who don’t require fixing. Find peace in your decision and accept how things are.
If it's meant to be, God will manage the timing of their return into your life.