Should People only Date Inside Of their “League”?
I began coming across the phrase “date in your league” around 2018, mostly through social media and YouTube commentary. Some of you might remember the late Kevin Samuels, who often delivered harsh “truths” to viewers who were too confident, overweight, struggling financially, or deemed unattractive. He would point out that their expectations were unrealistic and that, given their circumstances, they lacked value.
As a fellow BBW, I can’t deny that those viral bullets would occasionally fly and hit me right in the gut. I started to accept the idea that I too had a “league,” that I shouldn't stray away from.
What does it mean to "date within your league?"
Let’s take a moment to break down the term league:
-League: refers to a category or class of quality or excellence.
Here are four key definitions to consider:
- Class: A group of things that share a common attribute. Separating them from others by type or quality.
- Category: People or things that are seen as having specific shared traits.
- Quality: How a certain standard of something is evaluated in relation to similar items.
- Excellence: Exceptional feature or quality.
It’s reminiscent of being a kid, when your teacher hands out a worksheet for matching identical items. According to society, we should date in particular categories based on our class, quality, and excellence. We’re essentially encouraged to come together and only pursue relationships with those who resemble us.
It seems like the unspoken rule of social interaction is: those labeled as unattractive should only connect with others in the same boat. Overweight individuals are expected to stick together. The wealthy are only meant to socialize with fellow wealthy people. Those from disadvantaged backgrounds should only engage with their peers. Also, those of high status, are meant to associate with others who share that same ranking.
I want to emphasize that it's perfectly valid to seek someone who meets your standards. The problem lies in the way this is conveyed. When people are deliberately trying to create harm, division, or positioning themselves as superior to others, that’s where the problem arises.
It's common to see a reaction on social media when a highly desirable and well known individual, whether male or female, finally reveals their significant other. If that partner doesn't share the same level of fame or attractiveness, people often feel compelled to criticize, offering unsolicited opinions on why the relationship shouldn't exist and questioning the worth of the less recognizable partner.
However, when someone perceived as less desirable has wealth or social status, they seem to be free to date anyone, even the most attractive people. This is often justified with the response, “But they have money, though,” despite any negative comments.
It seems that before the rise of social media, dating was primarily about love. Everyone had their worth, and regardless of appearance, people were worry free. There truly was someone out there, for everyone. People didn’t have an outlet to constantly view and give opinions of others. Though the world has always been judgmental, it feels elevated now.
I have to acknowledge that I've been guilty of judging others dating lives and life decisions. It's quite easy to get caught up in negativity, especially when expressing those thoughts is often seen as acceptable and even encouraged on social media. However, I make it a point to reflect on my own behavior and ask myself:
Why does someone else’s confidence make you uncomfortable?
And how does another person’s dating life impact yours?
There are numerous reasons why individuals might prefer to date someone similar to themselves. However, I think this should be framed not as “dating in your league,” but rather as dating according to your standards or seeking relationships where both partners are equally matched.
Ex: If; you're a college graduate, you may desire a partner who has also completed their degree. If you’re into fitness and maintain a healthy lifestyle, you might prefer someone who shares the same value and not someone who prefers gluttony. If you are self-employed or enjoy financial independence, you might look for a partner who is equally financially stable or can join you on spontaneous adventures. Some may choose to date within specific religious beliefs or cultural backgrounds, etc. I believe there’s nothing wrong with these preferences, as long as they are communicated respectfully.
Many believe that when people date someone they perceive as being outside their “league,” it's common for those partners to cheat. Some also suggest that being with someone considered out of their league can lead to feelings of insecurity. These insecurities can stem from both outside opinions or their own thoughts. Hearing others imply that you're not worthy enough can gradually take a toll on the relationship.
I believe there's some truth to that, but I also think those who dictate these standards often struggle with their own insecurities. They may feel uneasy when they see someone they perceive as less worthy enjoying the very things they desire.
I really appreciate seeing couples who society might label as mismatched, openly loving one another, flourishing, and building families despite the judgments of those who can't even sort out their own lives.
As I said, there was a time when I completely fell for the notion of what others thought I deserved. It’s like I was playing in someone else’s movie, following the ranking script, even blocking out guys who I imagined could have any leading lady or who seemed “better” than me. I ended up wasting so much of their time and mine, all because I thought wanting more was just too much to ask for.
But, i'm gradually reconnecting with reality.
I do think you should pursue someone you believe is a great match for you. However, it's also important to be in a good position for them. This doesn't mean you need to have everything figured out, but if you're connecting with someone who brings the essentials to the relationship, it’s only fair that you contribute something meaningful too.
If you're itching for change before diving into the dating pool, then do it! Tackle the things within your power to change, and for the stuff you can’t? Just embrace how beautifully crafted you are. There’s something uniquely special about you, so go find it!
We’ve got to break free from the chains of society telling us how to live or whether we're even worthy of our own love. So, don’t settle for anything! Everything you thought was out of reach, it's on its way. Just make sure you’re ready when it knocks at your door. Remember, you are so worth it! Love yourself unapologetically and allow love to find you.