Too Grown For Friendships?
I grew up watching shows like Girlfriends, Martin, Living Single, and Sex and The City. Even though they were just tv shows, I always loved how they showcased friendship. We witnessed adults leaning on one another, growing together, and navigating tough times. These shows highlighted that friendships can be just as significant, if not more so, than family ties.
I remember being a kid and hoping for a circle of friends that would last a lifetime. Envisioning us standing by each other's sides at weddings, being Godparents to each other's kids, and growing old together.
Hmmm… maybe that sounds a bit romantic, but I think it comes from being an only child; I truly value all my relationships equally.
Many people argue that television shows and movies are just an escape to fantasy land, while we navigate the real world. I see their point; it’s easy to get caught up in the captivating relationships on screen and imagine ourselves playing a starring role, especially when we’re young. The brain is still evolving, soaking up every thing we see, hear and every adult experience. So, it's natural to envision that one day, we too can live a life, like the one in our dreams.
However, as life unfolds and we mature, our perspective shifts, and things might not align with those dreams. Still, I believe it’s possible to incorporate a slice of our fantasy into our everyday reality and create the lasting relationships we truly desire.
A few years back, I noticed an old friend shared some posts on Facebook. One said, “You are my friend, and we are adults. I have my own family, partner, and kids to take care of. You’re my friend, not my lover.” Another post mentioned that “Friends shouldn’t be upset if you don’t bring gifts for their kids during the holidays.” The last one stated, “Y’all take friendships too personally.” While I didn’t communicate with her much anymore, those posts initially made me feel some type of sadness. Not because of her views, but because they reminded me of the fun times we shared, like sitting together during school rallies, going to prom, and supporting each other's events. It got me reflecting on how much time we spend nurturing relationships that ultimately fade away. We pour love into friendships, only to watch them shift over the years, sometimes beyond our control.
As kids, life feels effortless, and friendships are our lifelines outside our homes. In school, it’s essential to have someone to avoid loneliness. We crave the company of friends to confide in, to miss when we're apart, and to share lunchtime and quick conversations during passing periods. We look for that one special friend or a circle to lean on for support. So, why does that need to change once we cross the graduation stage?
Do we no longer get lonely? Do we not want to see friends occasionally on the weekend? Are spending holidays with friends off limits? Do we no longer need to be supported or need someone to vent to?
The perspective of, “You are my friend and we are grown. I have my own family, man and kids to take care of. You are my friend, not my lover.” I understand that when people enter a romantic relationship, they tend to prioritize their partner and spend most of their time with them. Naturally this leads to a best-friend dynamic. However, I find it weird when individuals cut ties with their friends for the sake of a relationship. Especially when someone expresses to their friend that they've changed, and the friend responds with remarks like, “We’re too grown” or “The only person I owe anything to is my man/women.”
I had no idea that ethics in a friendship, was only limited to minors.
While it's possible for your partner to fulfill all your friendship needs, it’s important to recognize that even within that bond, your partner will have their own set of expectations from you.
Every relationship has expectations, just in different forms.
I totally get it if your friends are toxic, don’t respect boundaries, does not respect your new family, or negatively influence your relationship. But if the only reason for being a bad friend or ending a friendship is simply due to “we’re grown,” I find it hard to agree with that perspective. To me, friends are like family. If you and your partner break up, you'll likely reach out to those old friends with an apology and expecting comfort and support.
Furthermore, it’s common to hear our parents talk about their old friendships. I often hear tales about how everyone in the neighborhood supported one another and felt like family. Every few years, one of those “old friends” reappears and presents themselves as my “auntie,” while I’m thinking, “Where have you been all my life, auntie?”
We sometimes cling to the memories of how those friendships used to be. I feel, why “pick up where we left off”, when we could’ve never put it down?
I believe that change is a natural part of life. People evolve, grow, and their experiences shape their perspectives. I ended a 12-year friendship a few years after high school, and I still feel the sting of that loss. As we grow into adulthood, our priorities shift; our time becomes more precious, and we begin to be more selective about who and what we allow into our lives. The saying, “God puts people in your life for a reason and a season,” resonates with me. Some friendships are simply destined to expire. Yet, it’s also true that some people give up too quickly or may not have cared deeply from the start.
Friendships should flow naturally, but like any relationship, they require effort. I think some individuals may not be completely honestly about not wanting to invest as much effort into a platonic relationship, which is perfectly okay.
Navigating boundaries, managing your time, and juggling family responsibilities can feel overwhelming. It’s completely natural to find that changes need to be made, and sometimes that means stepping away from certain friendships. I get that.
However, it’s important to express your feelings without reducing it to just being an “adult.” Friendship doesn’t require daily conversations, living in the same place, or being each other's everything. It can be as simple as being present in whatever way you can. Sending a holiday card, checking in every so often, sharing photo updates, or offering support during significant life events. There are many ways to define a friendship. It ultimately comes down to what you desire and what you’re willing to invest in those connections.
As for me, I still look forward to meeting new friends, building new connections, and hopefully growing old within a supportive community. It can be challenging and exhausting to connect with new people in adulthood, but worth it.
So yes, I take friendships personally! Because that is what a relationship is: a personal connection with other individuals. Friends are important no matter how old you are.
I refuse to put friendship in a box filled with childhood memories and nostalgia.