Equally Yoked Relationships
If you’re like me and tend to overthink, you probably notice that nighttime is when your thoughts go crazy. At night, it feels as though all those; thoughts, ideas and worries I couldn’t concentrate on or didn’t even think about during the day, suddenly pops in my mind. Weirdly, while my mind is racing, it often brings me clarity on past and current issues.
One of the best lessons I learned came from my grandmother, my dad’s mom. I was on the couch, venting about someone who always seemed to need something from me and how it felt like they were using me. She cut me off and said, “No, it’s fine to be used. But, it’s not okay to misuse someone.” I was a bit confused and asked her, “What’s the difference?” She explained that it’s ok to lean on someone in a time of need, but continuously misusing someone for the wrong reasons repeatedly is different.
Ex: If your friend asks you to watch their kids while they go out and you agree, it can start to feel overwhelming. At first, it might seem fine, but then every time they need to run an errand or just want some time off, you're the go-to person. When you finally decide to set some boundaries, like asking for payment, suggesting specific times, or saying no, it turns into a problem. They often come up with reasons why you should help out for free/ act like they can't pay, disregard your schedule, or give a sob story to guilt trip you. It can be frustrating because they know you're kind-hearted and are taking advantage of that.
I was talking to someone about how they continually let their family take advantage of them. They replied, “No, I just like being a team player.” I used to think this way too, which is how I justified my feelings of emptiness. I would try to convince myself that I was so important, as if everything and everyone would fall apart without me.
Let’s clarify the difference between being a team player and being a doormat…
A team player, is someone who collaborates well within a group. Good team players know their roles, value teamwork, and hold themselves accountable. It's important to remember that teamwork means sharing responsibilities; it doesn’t mean one person should do everything.
On the other hand, everyone understands what a doormat is: it's the mat you put at your door for people to wipe their shoes on. Metaphorically, a doormat refers to a person who lets others walk all over them or dominate them. If you dig a little deeper into the word dominate, you come across terms like “push around” and “walk all over.” Essentially, a doormat is someone who allows mistreatment without standing up for themselves, always giving in to others regardless of their own needs.
So to me, there's a clear difference between a team player and a doormat. One defines working together and all sharing the load and the other defines a single person being taken advantage of. Or in other words… being used.
I used to play the role of the uninvited babysitter or hairstylist, the person everyone called when things went wrong. I’m the kind of person who gives my last, to help someone in need, especially if I feel it's what I’m meant to do. Despite my mind constantly telling me to “say NO,” my heart always pushes me to say “YES.” Unfortunately, I often didn’t get the same in return. Some might say, “that wouldn’t be me,” and honestly, I wish it weren’t either. But deep down, there's a part of me that believes in treating others the way I’d like to be treated.
I got so used to accepting certain behaviors from people I cared about, making it hard to let go of those relationships. Even when I block people, I’d still find myself wanting to check in and see how they’re doing without me. In tough times, the only one I really turn to is God. Yet, I still end up feeling hurt when someone I’ve supported doesn’t seem to care as much about me. Those feelings would linger until they turned into anger.
I'd constantly tell myself, “never again will I…,” only to absolutely do it again. Over the years, I realized I had transformed from a “person into a doormat”, neglecting my own needs. But after some soul-searching, I made the choice to separate myself from those who drained my energy and learned the importance of setting boundaries, no matter who it is in my life.
If you're facing a similar situation, don’t deny the fact that you're being misused and treated poorly, just to keep a person around. I love the quote:
“Don't confuse being loved and needed, with being used and wanted.”
I'm not suggesting that you stop caring altogether. However, if you find yourself giving more than you’re receiving and struggling to remember what you’ve been given in return, it might be time for a change. If your partner isn’t treating you right, if your family is draining you, if your friends aren’t matching your energy; It’s time to stop and change your behavior. If the relationship feels one sided, you have to remind yourself that relationship is plural. It can't just exist with one person. It has to be mutual support. If people aren't looking out for you, you have to look out for yourself! I know it's hard, trust me I do. I’ve cut off family and friends. Every time I do so, I’m perceived as evil. Sometimes on that one lonely night, I get a feeling that maybe I am being too harsh. But then I remember, that while I’m hurt over the situation, that person doesn't actually give a damn. They’ll find a new victim.
Pray that God sends equally yoked relationships your way. Don't force anything that you’ll wind up spending most of your time maintaining. Not everyone will treat you the same, so give people a chance. However, your happiness should always be a priority, and the love you give deserves to be returned. Make sure to establish your boundaries and don’t accept anything less than that.