Ever been in a situation where you know better, but you still don’t do better? Like, you’ve done the work, had the talks, the breakdowns. You’ve read the quotes, watched all the advice Tiktoks, prayed and God gave you the answers. However, when life tests you… you fold or fall right back into old patterns.
That’s where I’ve been recently… trying my hardest to implement learned lessons.
Saying "no" has always been a challenge for me. Not just as an adult, but going way back to childhood. I was the kid who shared everything. My lunch, my pencils, my space and my energy. I knew early on that if I wanted friends, I had to be the “yes” person. The giver, the one who never said no, no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient it was. I said this before, I wore that label proudly; because being needed felt like being loved.
I’ve unfortunately learned that when you are always available, people stop asking if you’re okay. They just take and the more you give, the more they expect. That same mindset followed me into adulthood, especially within family. Family expects more because “blood is thicker than water,” right?
Some family doesn’t ask if you’re tired, if you’re broke, or if you’re barely holding on. They just expect. Then you constantly say yes, because saying no feels like betrayal. Like you’re letting someone down who counts on you, even if you too are drowning.
When I say no, I spiral and I imagine worst-case scenarios. What if they get into an uber car accident because I didn’t give them a ride? What if they go hungry because I didn’t send that $20? The guilt eats me alive while I’m standing in front of the fridge grabbing a snack, thinking about someone else’s empty stomach. I want people to be okay and for a long time, I thought that meant I had to make them okay.
But, I’ve learned the hard way that:
That kind of guilt is a trap!
We are taught to be Godly. To love our neighbors, show compassion and offer help. While that’s true, nowhere does it say; we are supposed to sacrifice our peace, our health, or our sanity to heal someone else.
I am not God!
I can’t carry the full weight of someone else’s life, especially when mine is already heavy.
I’ve been surrounded by selfish people who will take everything they can from you, while guarding their own. They know your boundaries, but they cross them anyway. They come back and test the temperature, to see if they’re able to get through the door you closed. If you’ve always said yes, they believe eventually, you still will. They know you care and carry guilt even when you shouldn't, and that your love for them makes you vulnerable. Sometimes they use that love as a loophole.
But the craziest part about finally standing on your “no”? Watching how quickly people switch up. Suddenly, you’re the villain. They’re offended, forget all the times you previously helped and become distant. However, magically they are able to figure it out without you. All that pressure they used to put on you? It disappears once you stop showing up. That’s when I realized, it was never about not having other options. They just didn’t want to use them.
For the last two years, I’ve been practicing my “no.” Not out of anger or having no compassion, but out of survival.
Last week, I had another honest conversation with myself. I was going back and forth about a situation where I didn’t want to say no or express my new boundaries. I didn’t want to hurt someone I cared about. I didn’t want to be the reason they spiraled, lost hope, or changed for the worse. But I had to remind myself:
I am not responsible for someone else’s life story.
I had to learn hard lessons on my own. I had to cry alone and figure it out without someone rescuing me. So, maybe that’s the path they need, to be able to grow also.
And if they don’t?
If they fall apart?
If they blame me?
That’s still not on me.
Because I am not God.
We are not here to carry everyone’s burdens. We are not infinite or all-knowing. We are not here to absorb pain just so others don’t have to feel it. That’s not love or healing. I learned that it’s codependency, wrapped in guilt.
So, here I am, choosing to fully live in my NO era.
~ Choosing my mental health over being the hero.
~ Choosing rest over responsibility that was never mine.
~ Choosing to love people enough to let them face their own consequences.
~ Choosing myself, because I’ve been at the bottom of my own priority list for way too long.
To anyone else navigating this path and are feeling guilty, second-guessing, unsure... I feel you. I want you to know: choosing your peace is not mean, selfish, or wrong. It's necessary.
You are not God. You are not responsible for everyone else's healing. However, you are responsible for your own. So make the hard choice. Say no when it protects your peace. Say no whenever the hell your spirit tells you too.
Say no, and mean it.