If you’re anything like me and tend to overthink, then you know nighttime is when your thoughts start doing the most. That’s when everything you ignored or pushed aside during the day, creeps in. Thoughts, memories, worries are always flooding your mind. And weirdly enough, even in that chaos, you sometimes find clarity about things you didn’t fully understand before. At least, I do.
One of the most valuable lessons I was taught from my grandmother on my dad’s side. I was venting on the couch about someone who always needed something from me and how I felt like they were using me. She cut me off mid-sentence and said, “It’s fine to be used, but it’s not okay to be misused.” I was like, “Wait, what’s the difference?” She broke it down for me and said: it’s natural for people to lean on you when they need help, but when they start taking advantage of that help without respect, that’s misusing you.
Example: Let’s say a friend asks you to babysit their kids now and then. Cool, no big deal. But then it becomes a habit. Every errand, every little break they want, they hit you up. You finally say, “Hey, can we set some limits?” or “Can you pay me for my time?” and suddenly you’re the problem. They’ll guilt-trip you, act broke, ignore your schedule, or whatever it takes to keep benefiting from your kindness without giving anything back. Deep down, you know they’re playing on your heart.
I remember talking to someone about how their family kept taking advantage of them. They said, “I’m just being a team player.” I used to tell myself that too. That’s how I explained away the feeling of always being empty. I’d convince myself that everybody needed me, that things would fall apart without me.
But let’s be clear: there’s a difference between being a team player and being a doormat.
A team player works with others. They contribute, hold themselves accountable, and respect shared responsibility. A doormat, is someone who lets people walk all over them. They give and give, even when it costs them peace, energy, or self-respect. They never push back.
There’s a big difference. One is about teamwork. The other is about being used.
I used to be that go-to person. The one people called on, for free childcare or hair services. The person they relied on, to drop everything and come running. I’d give my last dollar, even when I was struggling, just because it felt like the right thing to do. Even when my mind was screaming “NO!,” my heart would whisper “just help.” Nine times out of ten, I wouldn’t get that same energy back.
Some people might say, “That couldn’t be me.” Well hell, I wish it wasn’t me either. But I’ve always believed in treating people how I’d want to be treated.
The problem is, I got used to tolerating certain behaviors. I held on to relationships that didn’t serve me, even after I cut people off. I’d block someone and still find myself wondering how they’re doing and if they even noticed I was gone. And when I needed someone, the only one I could really turn to was God. Still, it hurt when people I bent over backwards for didn’t show up for me. That hurt would sit with me, sometimes turning into resentment over time.
I’d promise myself, “I’ll never do that again,” but end up doing it anyway. Eventually, I realized I’d lost myself trying to be everything for everybody. I wasn’t a support system, I was a doormat. That’s when I knew something had to change. I had to protect my peace. I started creating space from people who drained me, even if I loved them. I learned to set boundaries, with family, friends… whoever.
If this sounds familiar, don’t ignore the fact that you’re being mistreated just to keep someone in your life. I love the quote:
“Don’t confuse being loved and needed with being used and wanted.”
I’m not saying stop caring. But if you’re always giving and can’t even recall the last time someone poured back into you, it’s time to make a change.
If your partner’s not showing up for you, if your family is draining you, if your friends aren’t matching your energy, then it’s time to re-evaluate. One-sided relationships aren’t real. A relationship takes two people putting in work. And if nobody’s pouring into you, you’ve got to start pouring into yourself.
I know it’s hard, I’ve been there. I’ve had to cut off my family. I’ve walked away from friends I grew up with. And yeah, people talk. They say I’m selfish, mean and bitter. And sometimes in those quiet moments, I wonder if I really am too harsh. But then I remember, that while I’m hurting over the loss, they’ve already moved on. They’re out there finding someone else to take advantage of.
Pray for balanced and healthy connections. Don’t chase people or force relationships that drain you. Not everyone will treat you wrong, so stay open. But always make sure your peace, your happiness, and your energy are priorities. The love you give should come back to you.