Choosing to distance yourself from someone who’s caused you pain often comes with the label of “holding a grudge.” There’s this belief that you should forgive those who wronged you and put their actions or the hurt they caused in the "past." But who said forgiveness has to mean forgetting?
If it were up to me, I’d reframe it as: Forgive & Remember.
In my healing journey, I’ve made it clear that some people, will no longer have a place in my life. I’ve also expressed to those close to me that I don’t want any connection (direct or indirect), with those I’ve chosen to step away from. At the very least, keep me out of it.
That boundary often sparks disagreement. I’ve been told to “forgive and forget,” to stop “holding grudges.” And while I always stand firm, I’ve had moments where I’ve asked myself, What if God didn’t forgive me? But, that thought quickly dissolves as I reflect on all past experiences and recognize that I'm not God. I’m human. And my healing isn’t holy, but it’s honest.
As children, we’re taught to “forgive and forget” once someone apologizes. As adults, we’re expected to do the same, even without an apology. Because, “forgiveness is for yourself.”
I agree… to a degree.
It’s not easy to forgive someone who hurt you. It’s even harder when they haven’t asked for forgiveness. That’s why I believe forgiveness is indeed, for your own peace. Carrying that weight, anger and resentment; can eat you up from the inside out. It can spill over into relationships with people who had nothing to do with the original hurt. So in order to truly heal, you’ve got to unpack the pain. Figure out the why. If you choose to forgive, do it for you, so that you won’t remain mentally stagnant.
But forgetting? That ain’t for you. That’s for them.
Let me explain. Forgetting something has always felt like a mistake on my part. When I forget my phone at home and have to turn around, I end up late. As a kid, when I “forgot” to turn in an essay, it made things easier for the teacher. Now they didn’t have to grade it, just slapped an F on it and kept it pushing.
So when I “forget” how someone’s actions hurt me, it feels like I'm making life easier for them. Convenient enough for them, to be comfortable enough… to possibly try those acts again.
Letting go of anger through forgiveness frees me and may even open the door to reconciliation if that’s what I want. But remembering? That helps me move with wisdom. It helps me set boundaries. It’s how I protect my peace and hold both myself and others accountable.
If I forgive and choose to keep someone in my life, accountability is a must. I consider myself very self-aware. If someone explains how I hurt them, I am able to acknowledge that hurt and see things from their perspective. I’ve likely already overthought about the part I played and knew the time of acknowledgement would come. I don’t need everything spelled out to recognize when I’ve hurt someone. But not everyone moves like that.
Some people avoid accountability because they’re afraid of being seen as “the bad guy,” or they truly don’t believe they did anything wrong. That’s the real issue, because how can someone change what they refuse to acknowledge?
Grudges are often born out of repeated hurt with zero accountability. It’s one thing to mess up. It’s another to be told your actions caused pain and still keep doing the same thing. That’s when forgiveness stops being a remedy and starts to feel like self-betrayal.
I’ve been there.
I’ve wanted people to feel the same pain they caused me, but loved them enough to wish the karma wouldn't destroy them. I said I forgave, but secretly hoped the universe would spin the block on my behalf. That’s when I realized: I had to forgive for me, and take responsibility for the role I played in letting it happen, time and time again. Because at that point, the only person truly hurting me… was me.
Choosing to ignore life’s lessons is no longer an option. When someone shows you who they are, especially more than once, believe them.
There’s a saying:
“Don’t wrong someone & then tell them how mad to get or how to react.”
Anytime I set a boundary or explain how I’m moving forward, I hear, “You can’t just…”
But, I've come to realize that... yes the hell I can!
Right now, it’s all about accountability. Not forcing others to own up, but recognizing what I am no longer willing to tolerate.
Some people may choose to forgive and still keep the same people in their lives, with new terms. That’s valid. However, I choose to hold onto the memories, but make room for new connections. Realizing that I control who has access to me is liberating. This is my life. These are my choices.
And while I still pray for the protection and blessings of those who caused me pain, I hold no resentment.
However:
ACCESS STILL DENIED.