I grew up watching shows like Girlfriends, Martin, Living Single, and Sex and the City. Yeah, they were just TV shows, but I always loved how they showcased friendship. We saw adults leaning on each other, growing together and getting through the hard times. Those shows showcased that friendships can be just as important, if not more so than blood related family.
As a kid, I dreamed of having a tight circle of friends that would last a lifetime. I pictured us standing next to each other at weddings, being godparents to each other’s kids, and growing old together. Hmm... that sounds a little romantic. But, I relate it to being an only child, that I value my relationships so deeply.
Some folks say TV shows and movies are just fantasy and don't reflect real life. I get it. It’s easy to fantasize or get wrapped up in the perfectly packaged friendships on screen, especially when you’re young and still figuring life out. Your brain’s soaking up everything; what you see, what you hear, and how adults interact. So of course we imagine ourselves living out that same life one day.
But real life is different. As we grow, perspectives shift, priorities change, and sometimes those dreams don’t align with reality. Still, I believe we can pull pieces of that dream into our everyday lives and create the meaningful friendships we long for.
A few years ago, I noticed an old friend sharing some posts on Facebook. One read, “You’re my friend, and we’re adults. I’ve got my own family, partner, and kids to take care of. You’re my friend & not my lover.” Another said, “Friends shouldn’t get mad if you don’t buy gifts for their kids during the holidays.” The last stated “Y’all take friendships too personally.”
We hadn’t talked in a minute, but seeing those posts made me feel a little sad. Not because of what she said, but because it brought back memories; of us sitting together at school rallies, prom night, showing up for each other’s events. It made me reflect on how much time we spend nurturing friendships that sometimes just fade. We pour so much love and energy into people, only to watch those bonds shift with time, often in ways we can’t control.
When we’re young, friendships are our lifelines. In school, it’s all about having someone to talk to during lunch, to walk the halls with, to confide in. That kind of companionship feels essential. So, why does that change after graduation?
Do we suddenly stop feeling lonely?
Are weekends now off-limits for friend time?
Are holidays only for family?
Do we no longer need someone to vent to?
That “We’re grown now” mentality, I get it, to a point... I understand that when people enter a romantic relationship, they tend to prioritize their partner and spend most of their time with them. Naturally this leads to a best-friend dynamic. However, I find it weird when individuals cut ties with their friends for the sake of a romantic relationship. Especially when someone expresses to their friend that they've changed, and the friend responds with remarks like, “We’re too grown” or “the only person I owe anything to is my man/women.”
Since when did friendship ethics only apply to minors?
it's possible for your partner to fulfill all your friendship needs, however recognize that even within that bond, your partner will have their own set of expectations from you.
Every relationship has expectations, just in different forms.
I totally get it if your friends are toxic, don't respect boundaries, do not respect your new family, or negatively influence your relationship, etc. But if the only reason for being a bad friend or ending a friendship is simply due to “we’re grown,” I find it hard to agree with that perspective. To me, friends are like family. If you and your partner break up, you'll likely reach out to those old friends with an apology and expect comfort and support.
I’ve heard stories from my elders, about how tight their neighborhoods used to be and how everyone was like family. Then, every so often, one of those “family friends” pops up and introduces themselves as if they’re my auntie and I should know them. Meanwhile, I’m sitting there like, "Where have you been all my life, “Auntie?”
We hold onto those good memories from the past, but why do we let them collect dust? Why not keep it going, instead of trying to “pick up where we left off” years later?
Change is natural. People grow, and not all friendships are meant to last forever. I ended a 12-year friendship after high school, and to this day, I still feel that loss. As we get older, our priorities shift. Our time becomes more valuable, and we become more intentional about who we give it to. The saying, “Some people are in your life for a reason or a season,” is true. But sometimes, people give up too soon or maybe they never cared as much in the first place.
Some might feel that friendships should be easy, but just like romantic relationships, they take effort. I think some people just don’t want to put in the work with platonic relationships and that’s okay too. I just say, be honest about it.
It can be hard, juggling; family, work and personal time. So yes, sometimes you have to step away from certain connections to take care of yourself. But don’t use “I’m grown” as the default excuse. Being grown doesn’t mean you stop caring. Friendship isn’t about daily check-ins or constant hangouts. It can be a simple text, a birthday card, a photo update, or just showing up when it matters. Friendship looks different for everyone. It’s all about what you’re willing to give and what you want in return.
As for me, I’m still open to new friendships. I still hope to grow old surrounded by a solid tribe of people who get me. It’s hard to make new connections as an adult, but it’s not impossible and I think it’s worth it.
So yeah, I take friendship personally. Because that’s what it is: a personal relationship with someone who matters. Friends are important, no matter how old you are. I refuse to put friendship in a box filled with childhood memories and nostalgia.